DUCKIE, POWELL & FLOSSIE

DUCKIE, POWEL & FLOSSIE: December 2012. These three sock monkeys are homeless and living in an old refrigerator down by the local fish plant where they dine on banana peel and fish tail soup. Surprisingly, they are quite happy and comfortable. If you were to try and remove them from their current situation, you will have a fight on your hands. Each one of them depends on the other for their survival and would not do well without one another. Duckie is a scavenger, Powell is a nurturer and Flossie is the ever present optimist they need to continue living. You can sometimes see them at lunch hour when they play instruments and sing for some loose change by the arena. Throw them a loonie or two and you will make their day. Actually, if you just sing and dance along with them that would make their day too. We love Duckie, Powell and Flossie!!

TURQ, ABUL & JAZZ

TURQ: December 2012. Turq has wanted to be a firefighter for as long as I can remember. He will watch any show that happens to be about fire. At one point I caught him trying to light my box of socks on fire just so he could try and put them all out. We decided to send him to fire school after that incident and have been impressed with his knowledge about the world of fires. Unfortunately for Turq, he's too small and highly flammable so being a firefighter shall remain a dream for him. Starting fires is another story though...
ABUL: December 2012. Abul once caught a flying squirrel in a trap he had originally intended for bats. He was so amazed that there was such a thing as a flying squirrel he took it to the highest hi-rise in town and threw it from the top floor to watch him fly. Of course, we all know that "flying" squirrels are really only "gliding" squirrels and need trees and shorter distances to glide to and fro from. Abul's intentions may have been innocent but, it did not end well for the flying squirrel.
JAZZ: December 2012. NO, Jazz does NOT like jazz music. As a matter of fact, the next person that asks Jazz about jazz music is probably about to see what it's like when a sock monkey goes "postal". Jazz is so tired of people assuming he likes jazz that he has taken to walking around with a "boombox" on his shoulder playing polkas at top volume. If that ain't scary enough for you, go ahead and ask him about jazz music...I dare you.

NELLIE, LENNON & HAPPY

NELLIE: Born - December 2012. Nellie is a Laser Tag Referee. This may sound like a lot of fun but, some days can be quite exhausting. Firstly, you have to keep up with all the other Sock Bunnies playing - not an easy task as the disperse into many directions as soon as the game starts. Secondly, you're not allowed to shoot anyone, just ref. How friggin' boring is that? Nellie seems to hold back though and does well at reffing only. We won't mention the many times she trips players or gives away their hiding spots....
LENNON: Born - December 2012. Lennon was not named for John Lennon. As a matter of fact, he absolutely can't stand anything that has to do with the "Beatles" or John Lennon. Actually, I've heard that some witnesses say they saw a Sock Bunny leave the scene where John Lennon was killed. Lennon will deny it though as he insists he wasn't even created back then. Maybe it was an ancestor. Sneaky bunnies....
HAPPY: Born - December 2012. Every time some classroom of kids break out in the song "If You're Happy and You Know It", Happy goes a little nuts. Being as his name is "Happy" he always claps his hands. HOWEVER, as soon as they sing about "Sad, Mad & All Three", he goes crazy trying to find these other Sock Bunnies so they can all join in the song. We all know they don't exist but have fun watching Happy look for non-existent Sock Bunnies. The irony is, when he can't find them, he turns into "Sad & Mad".... That's funny stuff!

FROGGER & JONATHON

FROGGER: November, 2012. Do you remember playing "leap frog" when you were a kid and somehow you'd always end up being the first in the line of all the frogs and last one to get to jump everyone? By the time it got to be your turn to jump, all the other kids were restless and would either look up as you were jumping over and "can" you OR, they'd flatten out as you were about to put your arms on their shoulders to jump and you'd end up crashing in to the next kid - who would beat you up for falling on them? No? You don't remember that? Oh... Well, Frogger rocks at leap frog.
JONATHON: November 2012. Jonathon is named after the book "Jonathon Livingston Seagull" written by Richard Bach. A story of a seagull learning about life and flight - kind of his sermon of "self perfection". Anyway,  a fantastic read and highly recommended on the "Jessica Faves" list. Now, back to why I named him after this character. If you look closely at Jonathon, he is patterned with seagulls. Of course my mind went to "Finding Nemo" at first, you know, all those seagulls and the "mine! mine! mine!" scene BUT, I made it past that and ended at Jonathon Livingston Seagull. I won't bother you with how long it took to get there and what lay in between but, I am glad it ended where it did. Does it ever end though? So many seagull references and so little space to blog in...

ELVIRA & MURDOC

ELVIRA & MURDOC: November 2012. Take a good look at these two Sock Monsters and be a little envious. These two have been married for a long time and STILL absolutely adore each other. They never argue. No one belittles the other one. They are not sarcastic to each other. Neither have a bad word to say about each other and respect is high on their list of "ways to love each other". They continually renew their vows and enjoy each others company. When they're apart - even for a moment - they are desperate to get back to each other. Yup, it's all rather inspiring to see. Makes you want to work a little harder at your own relationship. Or, it makes you want to run them over with you mountain bike and watch them go round and round in the wheel spokes as you ride the most harsh trail you can find....

ICHABOB, HONEY & BONO

ICHABOB: Born - November 2012. Ichabob used to deliver newspapers to the downtown area for a living which ended quite tragically one morning. Ichabob had forgotten to eat breakfast and as he was pedalling along, throwing papers to doorsteps, his tummy started growling. Well, like any normal Sock Bunny, he found a garden patch and decided to pull a few carrots to eat along his route. Not a big issue EXCEPT, the garden was in Old Man Chester's yard... Needless to say, Ichabob made it out with his life but also with a ton of buckshot in his rear end, a lost bike, no newspapers to speak of and of course, no job.  The moral of this story? Eat your freakin' breakfast!!!
HONEY: Born - November 2012. Honey eats breakfast every day and never has issues with her tummy grumbling and is a very "regular" rabbit (if you catch my meaning...). With all that fiber in her belly and goodness running through her veins, Honey hits the ground running and doesn't stop until bedtime. Oh yeah, she also took over Ichabob's job and does it in half the time. He's not bitter.
BONO: Born - November 2012. Never mind eating breakfast, this Sock Bunny might become breakfast if he doesn't stop eating all my Captain Crunch and Fruit Loops!! I've got you figured out Bono...

CANAAN & MARTY

CANAAN & MARTY: Born - November 2012. These two wonderful Sock Monkeys are WalMart Greeters and take their job quite seriously. No one and I mean absolutely no one makes it through the local WalMart without being greeted by these two characters. If for some strange reason you actually get by them, they will hunt you down in the men's underwear section and come up with several humiliating ways to greet you. If you think being leg humped by two Sock Monkeys is cool, well you just go on ahead and avoid these guys at the door. You"ll be left wondering if you were just inappropriately assaulted or very "fondly greeted"...
Author's note: Don't worry - you're safe. There is no local WalMart here...

DONGLE & LACEY

DONGLE: Born - November 2012. Dongle likes to dongle his set of "donglers" in front of unsuspecting innocent old ladies and let me tell you, his "donglers" are quite the dandy donglers... Most of the elderly ladies around here don't mind him dongling the donglers as they've never seen a pair of dongles quite like that before - which is why you don't hear reports over your scanners about some sick sock bunny with a set of huge donglers scaring little old ladies. You do hear about it at "Ladies Night Out For Seniors" at the library though...
LACEY: Born - November 2012. Lacey is Dongle's sister and follows him around mostly to beat the little old ladies off him. Don't judge.
Author's note: NO little old ladies were hurt or otherwise visually assaulted during the writing of this fictitious biography. AND, get your mind out of the gutter - I never mentioned what the "donglers" actually were now did I?

MOXIE, BENEDICT & SANTIAGO

MOXIE: Born - November 2012. Moxie captures wild donkeys and tames their adventurous spirit. 
BENEDICT: Born - November 2012. Benedict sells the donkeys that Moxie tames to the circus and roving Gypsies to use as pack mules.
SANTAGO: Born - November 2012. Santiago steals the donkeys that Moxie trains and Benedict sells, from the circus and roving Gypsies so they can be wild and live freely in the wilderness....and unfortunately become easy bait for large predators...
Author's note: I don't think there are wild donkeys out there...just an observation.

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN!



FANG, HECTOR & ZINDER: October 2012. Three young sock monsters all done up for a night on the town. Mind you, that would be a night of drinking and debauchery so do they really need to be that done up?? Come on folks, sometimes even a paper bag over your head is all you need to be "done up" enough to enjoy an evening out. Try it sometime, you may like it. Unless of course you already have and it has left you with only sad stories to tell. In which case, don't try it again...not a good idea. 



SKULLY, LORD MANSON & HOCUS: OCTOBER 2012. So, these three sock monsters refuse to get involved with the above sock monsters as it never seems to end well. The last time these three went out with Fang, Hector and Zinder, I got a 3 a.m. wakeup call from the cops saying Skully, Lord Manson and Hocus were strung up and partially duct taped to the Inukshuk outside our Town Hall. Not a pretty sight and no, I didn't take pictures...
Author's note: to whomever decides to buy any of these six monsters, you'd be wise to keep them separated and away from duct tape...

ADELE, ARIES & TATE

ADELE: October 2012. Raised in a barn, Adele has never figured out how to close doors. If I had a dime for every time I found the door left open, I'd be a wealthy lady. Which by the way, would be a good thing since I'd have to spend all my money on the heating bill as the cold hangs out in my house and the heat heads outside for a friendly romp in the snow. I won't be teaching Adele how to open the windows anytime soon...
ARIES: October 2012. Aries never found the kite he lost in the wind storm last April and is STILL sulking. Little does he know that it was found a week later but so damaged we had to throw it away. Since this kite meant so much to him, we didn't have the heart to tell him and let him think it's still out there, flying around in some distant winds, soaring to new places and having a grand adventure. Cruel? Maybe. Until you've listened to Aries whine about his kite, don't judge.
TATE: October 2012. Tate has a knee fetish. You can take that any way you want as I refuse to write about what he does when he attaches himself to one of my guests knees. Let's just say Tate has been called "inappropriate" many times...

JABBA, CHOI & HAZE

JABBA - October 2012. Jabba is a cat nanny. This involves training the cat, playing with the cat, feeding the cat, grooming the cat and of course cleaning the cat litter. Jabba thought it would be cool to decorate the kitty litter box and believe it or not, has been asked by quite a few families to decorate their kitty litter boxes as well. I think Jabba is on to something. Now if she could only "decorate" the smell as easily as the litter box, she'd really be on to something!!
CHOI - October 2012. Choi seriously hates carrots which is odd as she's a Sock Bunny and all bunnies eat carrots.  That's about as weird as a Sock Monkey not liking bananas! What next? No banana daiquiris? No homemade carrot whiskey? What is the Sock Bunny & Monkey world coming to???
HAZE: October 2012. Haze pretty much lives in a daze. This can be attributed to the massive amount of weed he smokes and then quotes his favourite movie "Dude, Where's my Car?" over and over again until your laughing so hard you start snorting. Obviously you are contact high. Go with it.

BUTLER, PAWS & CLAIRE

BUTLER: October 2012. Let me make one thing clear. Butler is NOT a butler. I know, I know, the whole name thing makes it awkward. However, should you accidentally ask him if he's a butler, be prepared to have this Sock Monkey lose it all over your a**. I'm not really sure why he's so touchy about it but just be aware that he is and you've been fairly warned.
PAWS: October 2012. Paws was named "Paws" as he was continually being told to "keep his paws off" or "get your paws outta there" or "clean your grubby paws". You get the idea. I won't even begin to tell you what they were referring to when they said "keep your paws off"...
CLAIRE: October 2012. Sweet little calm Claire. She  reminds me of this tiny two year old I know who is about the yummiest little girl you'd ever want to meet. Sweet disposition, petite features, gorgeous green eyes and what a mischievous yet sparkling smile. Makes me almost want to have another one. I meant another sock monkey NOT another kid!! Yikes! That would be a nightmare!

LORD ROSEPETAL



This is "Lord Rosepetal". He is a sock monster. He's got horns and spikes down his back and at the tip of his tail is a small spike. He's actually quite a sweet fellow and would never harm anyone - even with those giant fangs. Lord Rosepetal just doesn't have it in him to be nasty or unkind. Now you're thinking "maybe he's not the sock monster for me then". Well good, 'cause he's not! Lord Rosepetal was created for the towns annual Halloween teen dance known as "Spookarama" and will be given away as one of the donations throughout the night. I would also like to thank my son Weston for naming him. You were right son. Your name suits him better than the one I had chosen. I look at Lord Rosepetal now and can't imagine him as a "Scott" or "Tom" - not that I would name him those, just that he's not one of those. Now I'm rambling.

Anyway, who ever ends up with him for a prize, I hope they appreciate Lord Rosepetal and treat him well.



HAYWOOD, PANDA, OSHAWA & LORENZO

HAYWOOD: October 2012. Haywood has never admitted to it but I think he's the sock monkey that continually leaves the banana peels lying around on my floors. One time, at supper, I stepped on one of those peels and landed so hard on my butt I couldn't sit for a week. This of course, did not go over well with me and I threatened  to "unstuff" whichever sock monkey it was that left that peel out. Though no one has stepped forward, I have my suspicions as Haywood is always leaving stuff around and he does eat a lot of bananas...
PANDA: October 2012. Panda also wiped out on a banana peel but unlike me, was only laid up for a day. His solution to this problem was to invent a banana peel detector that he wears on his head at all times. It doesn't really work BUT, it's so heavy that it weighs his head down and therefore he is always looking down. He never misses a banana peel now. Clever sock monkey.
OSHAWA: October 2012. While Oshawa has not yet wiped out on a banana peel, he has come close a few times. How he misses them every time I'll never figure out. He has some kind of uncanny third sense that keeps him from slipping on peels. He also manages to avoid getting run over when he crosses the highway in the middle of lunch hour traffic.  Come to think of it, he also avoids trains when he's playing on the tracks and logging trucks on the bush trails. Perhaps it's not a third sense and instead is a "sock monkey angel" watching out for him. Lucky bastard.
LORENZO: October 2012. Lorenzo is continually picking up after all the sock monkey's and never wipes out on anything as he's too busy cleaning up what ever he could wipe out on. I think he's the smartest one of us all and deserves a medal for all the cleaning he does. I also think he knows exactly who is leaving those damn banana peels on the floor and is just too nice to rat him out. Time to threaten him with an "unstuffing" and see how long it takes before he talks...

BLAST! I DID IT AGAIN!!

ANDORA, HANZ & BUSTER

SAFFRON, DENIM & ELLA

You know, this is what happens when you have way too many things on the go. These six Sock Monkey's were part of my September batch and here it is October and I'm only getting around to them now. It's no wonder they cut holes in all my gloves and wrote "you suk" on every sheet of my toilet paper roll...

So, here's to these six wonderful Sock Monkeys, who have made the last two weeks of my life entertaining and are now hanging up at the local store waiting to be sold and hopefully loved by someone who gives a shi - OOPS!! I mean someone who really cares about these monkeys and will love them always...like I do... seriously.

EMMETT, CLOVER & JIGSAW

EMMETT: October 2012. Emmett has issues with carving turkeys. It was Thanksgiving this past weekend here in Canada and we had a rather large turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. As soon as my husband grabbed the knife to carve the turkey, Emmett lost it. I'm not talking lost it in a postal kind of way, but lost it as in "woofed his cookies" all over the kitchen floor. This of course started a chain reaction of vomiting and by the end of the evening, no one ate the damn turkey and I spent most of the time on my hands and knees cleaning up "woofed cookies". BUT, I am still thankful. Extremely thankful for a strong stomach and Mr. Clean...
CLOVER: October 2012. Clover never made it upstairs for the Turkey dinner. He knew Emmett was here and opted not to have a repeat of what happened last Thanksgiving. Maybe Clover should have for warned me. Perhaps next year it will be rabbit we eat for Thanksgiving...
JIGSAW: October 2012. Jigsaw actually made it upstairs. His only words out of his mouth before he lost his cookies were "Oh no, not again!" I think Sock Bunny's are mildly retarded and need to remember to let people in on the whole "Emmett will lose it" thing.
Author's note: Okay, did not mean to offend anyone with the whole "losing their cookies" thing AND the whole "Sock Bunny retarded" thing. Sock Bunnies don't have brains people so they can't be retarded. They're just idiots.

RIO, BOO, CADET & ARIZONA

RIO, BOO, CADET & ARIZONA: Born - October 2012. This happy little foursome is one of the families that get together every weekend and play the board game "Snakes and Ladders" until the wee hours of each morning. It's quite entertaining to watch if you can make it through a night with them. If you can also make it through all the poor sportsmanship, swearing and biting, you might earn a spot on their team as a 'sub' if for some reason one of them can't make the game. I seriously had no idea that "Snakes and Ladders" was such a competitive game! Mind you, Sock Monkey's have their own rules and can make them up on the go in order to suit their outcome. This of course, makes it all the more thrilling as it can change on a dime - one minute the game is proceeding quite happily, the next minute you're taking cover and dodging game pieces. Despite the possibility of losing an eye and possibly having a tetanus shot due to sock monkey bites, I highly recommend checking it out sometime. Better than sitting in front of the TV all weekend...

BUNNY BUTTS

THAT'S RIGHT, BUNNY BUTTS.

I decided you needed to see the backside of the sock bunny's for one purpose only. When I figure that purpose out, I promise I'll blog about it...



MATILDA, LYRIC & GLORIA

MATILDA, LYRIC AND GLORIA: Born - September 2012. And here is usually where I have to pause for a few minutes and figure out how to write their bio. It's not that I don't have a bio in my head, it's simply getting it from my mind to the computer. Not an easy task.
ANYWAY, on to the above trio's wonderful bio. These three sock monkeys, since the day they were created, have been tieing all my shoelaces together and turning my sweater arms inside out. They don't think I know BUT, I have video footage of them going through my sweater drawer when I'm not home AND caught them on film in the porch snickering away as they tied all my shoelaces in knots.
Folks, I can take a practical joke. It was actually funny the first time, even the second. It is now becoming quite annoying and a rather large pain in the  butt as it takes awhile to untie all my shoes as I'm trying to get out the door. Sooooooo, last night I took my revenge. Matilda, Lyric and Gloria aren't awake yet but I tied their tails together in knots, left them in a box under the kitchen sink AND taped the lid shut. Perhaps a bit extreme you may think BUT, if I don't go extreme, I'll end up with knotted shoelaces for as long as these three are in my home. Besides, I threw a banana in the box and some tequila, they should be passed out by the time I get home to let them out and all will be forgotten...

COTTON, SUDBURY & BLANCA

COTTON: Born - September 2012. You know how sometimes out of your mouth comes the words "dag-nab-it"? Well, just yesterday as Bean (the cat we are catsitting) tried to kill me on the stairs, out of my mouth not only came the words "dag-nab-it" but also "You cotton-pickin' stinkin cat!! I'm gonna hunt you down and throw you to the coyotes!!" At this time, I'm trying to cut down my swearing and  find other colourful ways to cuss and I remember "cotton-pickin' (insert object here) as a kid from Yosemite Sam on Bugs Bunny. AND, here's where I tie it all in. I was naming the one monkey at the time and his colours are so light and "pastellie" it reminded me of cotton-candy. And lo and behold, "Cotton" was named. Okay, I really didn't tie that in well did I...

SUDBURY: Born - September 2012. Sudbury doesn't have quite a colourful bio as the above. He's actually quite a regular kind of sock monkey. Keeps his nose clean and doesn't interfere with other monkey's business. Sudbury is an all around nice guy and treats everyone with respect. I seriously wonder some days if he came from outer space...

BLANCA: Born - September 2012.   Blanca DID come from outer space. She's an alien in disguise. No one hangs out with her as they all think she's going to take them back to her mother ship and probe them with, Lord only knows what. Blanca will deny it and try and convince you otherwise. That's how she manages to sucker other Sock Monkey's into hanging with her - then you never see them again. We're on to you Blanca...

AMADEUS & JINX

AMADEUS AND JINX

The above pictures are of my grandson and a very tall sock bunny named "Jinx". And here in lies my dilemma.
If I write a bio that possibly includes my grandson and somehow it ends up being slightly twisted, this could cause disastrous and catastrophic events - in my life anyway.
Come on over to my mind for a moment and I'll explain. Amadeus grows up and lets assume he can read by age 3 (he's a genius okay). He hacks into my computer, logs on to my blog and BAM! There it is. His pictures with a very large sock bunny. He starts to read the bio. He starts to cry rather than laugh. He calls his mum on his cell and insists she get him the "hell outta here" as his Georgie has lost it. His mother tries to explain that I'm harmless and lost it a LONG time ago. Amadeus doesn't believe her. At this point, I happen to walk in the kitchen with a knife in my hand and a chicken carcass in the other (hey, I was cleaning the guts out in the tub). Amadeus runs. Amadeus is not looking where he runs. Amadeus smokes his head into the door...again. Now he's out cold, has a goose egg on his forehead and Lord knows what kind of brain damage he's caused himself this time. As I'm standing there with my dead chicken and knife in my hands, my sons both emerge from downstairs to see what the noise is all about. They look at me, then Amadeus passed out on the floor and assume I've actually followed through with my threats of beating them to death with a dead chicken. They run. 

YA SEE!! THIS COULD HAPPEN!!  Somewhere down the line it ends with me living in a box under our local bridge with my free run chickens and eating bubblegum I've peeled off the road. Not too mention, never seeing my grandson again. And that my devoted readers, would be the end of the world for me...
Author's note: These kind of ramblings happen all the time. They are MADE UP people! I don't walk around with knives and dead chickens and I would NEVER threaten my boys with "death by chicken".  Chickens leave marks....

TOPI, KAIDA & LENA

TOPI, KAIDA & LENA: Born - September 2012. These three sock monkeys recently read in a magazine somewhere that most sock monkeys only have a lifetime of about 2 years. This is due largely to the fact that their owners - mostly children - abuse and neglect them to the point of stuffing falling out of holes, eyes being torn off and other limbs disappearing. AND, let's not forget the family dog using them as chew toys. Topi, Kaida and Lena have decided to start a shelter for abused Sock Monkeys. At this point, the shelter happens to be in my craft room. I don't mind stitching up monkey parts, attaching new limbs, repairing holes etc. I DO mind having to deal with the Sock Monkey Social Services. I'm warning you folks, if you're going to own a Sock Monkey, treat it well. The Sock Monkey Social Services councillors take their job very seriously and before you know it, the Sock Monkey Police have you in front of a Sock Monkey Judge and Jury (of mostly apes and chimpanzees) and, you can spend up to 3 years in a Sock Monkey jail if you're found guilty of abuse and neglect. Yes, you'll get three good meals a day and maybe an hour of yard time BUT, what goes on behind closed doors is indescribable. The last person they sent there managed to leak information and it wasn't pretty. He was forced to eat rotten bananas, swing from fake trees and chandeliers, pick lice out of fellow inmates hair AND learn sign language. This was only a fraction of what he told us, the rest can't be written in this blog...
The moral of this story is, don't mess with your damn sock monkey!!
Author's note: Okay. So there's no such thing as the above Sock Monkey Social Services or Police or Judge. I checked on the internet and all that came up was a report on stolen vintage Sock Monkeys. Not kidding.

SOCK....BUNNY?

As I was sitting comfortably on my couch, surrounded by pieces of sock monkey's and quietly assembling one, my wonderful husband casually said "Still working on your sock bunnys?"
Back up two years ago to when I started my project of a Sock Monkey A Day and let's travel through these two years and all the sock monkeys I have made - my husband helping to stuff every now and then, my husband helping to ship them, my husband giving me praise when I fulfilled my 2011 commitment, my husband picking out socks for monkeys, my husband putting up with sock monkey parts everywhere in the house, etcetera, etcetera...you get the picture. We are now at present day and out of his wonderful mouth comes the above Sock "Bunny" comment.
My initial reaction was of course to stab him in the leg with my needle and beat him with sock monkey parts until he cried. However, being the non-crazy person I am, I simply stared at him in dis-belief and repeated "sock BUNNY???" This is the moment when he realized his mistake and tried back pedaling - at which point I did stab him...
ANYWAY, after we cleaned up the blood and put a band aid on his "owie", I started to laugh. Not your typical crazy person laugh but more like a "light bulb went off in my head" laugh. I thought to myself "Myself, why don't you make a sockbunny?" And here we are, at last, to the point of this whole story. I created the above Sock Bunny and named him "Hopper". I believe he is now the hall pass for my son's English class at school. He's a little creepy looking but due to the above story, my mind was a little "off" at the time of his creation. Will there be more you ask? Depends on what comes out of my husbands mouth next time he slips up....
Author's note: Just to clarify a few things, I did NOT stab my husband with any object - that would be insane since he's a 5th level black belt in Wado Kai - he'd kick my ass.  I did however cut holes in his brake lines on the truck....

BAM-BAM, FRITZ & SHASTA

BAM-BAM: Born - September 2012. Bam-Bam has a drum set. He's only slightly "anal" about other people playing it BUT, has been known to share when there's a major jam session going on. This little sock monkey can pretty much play any song you throw his way. From the blues to metal, from folk to alternative rock - he's always tapping out a tune and never misses a beat! You seriously rock Bam-Bam!!
FRITZ: Born - September 2012. Fritz one day dreams of being as fantastic a drummer as Bam-Bam but for now, sticks to the triangle. Though he feels this is a lesser instrument, we try to tell him otherwise. The triangle may only be played once during an entire song (or set) BUT, it is played at a pivotal part and only Fritz can hit it with the right precision and emotion that justifies the triangle. Don't give up Fritz - your triangle playing abilities are awesome!
SHASTA: Born - September 2012. Shasta is not very musically inclined. We gave her a tambourine to try and quickly realized this was NOT the instrument to give to someone with no rhythm. Still, she tried. Most of the time now Shasta will simply watch and throw in a clap - or what we think is a clap - mostly off beat but again, she tries. Just goes to show it takes all kinds to make the Sock Monkey world go round. We love you Shasta!
Author's note: Hmmmmm....were the above actually semi-normal bios of sorts? Wow. I must be losing my edge. Though I must admit, it felt good to write nice bios. Don't get used to it.

PHOEBE, FLOYD & GUNNER

PHOEBE: Born - September 2012. Phoebe has a sling shot and uses it to hit the banana bunches off the trees. Well, that's what she pretends to be doing as we live where only pine cones exist on trees, not fruit. Mostly she misses the trees altogether and so far has destroyed a car window, the greenhouse panes, a boat as it was going by on the river and the neighbors dog's left eye. I think I'll switch her ammo from rocks to water balloons...
FLOYD: Born - September 2012. Floyd sometimes wonders around at night in a pair of glow-in-the-dark boxers. Not so bad, except when you wake up in a haze and all you see is glow-in-the-dark boxers walking around on their own. Still not so bad, except they have a picture of a smiley face on it winking which makes you wonder just what the smiley face saw to be winking at. Time to get a new pair of boxers for Floyd.
GUNNER: Born - September 2012. Gunner really doesn't have any weird issues or hang-ups for me to write about. He's actually kind of normal for a Sock Monkey. Most of the time he sits in his corner and stares off into space while petting his tail. Yup. That's pretty much it for Gunner. Now if I could just get him to stop drooling he'd be perfect.

DOMINIC, OXFORD & CASPIAN

DOMINIC: Born - September 2012. Dominic insists he's from outer space and used to live on a planet dominated by Apes. Personally, I think he was up late last night watching "Planet of the Apes" for the 7th time and is beginning to live in a fantasy. It may not be so bad. A world ruled by apes. What could possibly go wrong? One thing for sure, we'd all be lice free and well groomed. Okay Dominic, watch your movie as much as you want.
OXFORD: Born - September 2012. Oxford was named for the school Oxford because it's a cool name. Oxford didn't actually GO to Oxford - he's a stuffed monkey for pete's sake! Everyone knows sock monkeys don't go to Oxford! Sock Monkey's go to Aurora College and upgrade. They also get to hang out with my brother so that's pretty cool. Well, I think it's cool, the Sock Monkey upgrading population may have something else to say about it... 
CASPIAN: Born - September 2012. As I was leaving for work yesterday morning, I happened to look in my craft room window and there was Caspians butt in the window! The little brat was mooning me!! Not one to get offended by a monkeys butt, I mooned him back. This wouldn't be so bad except that I live on a main highway and it was the busy "go to work" time and I'm pretty sure all the vehicles honking weren't because there was a squirrel on the road. Damn Caspian...
Author's note: Come on folks. I didn't REALLY moon my sock monkey, that would be pushing it - even for me. I did give him the finger though....

DUKE YUKI, CHURCHILL & the EARL OF ZIN

That's right folks, I'm a little behind in these bio's as I took a small vacation and neglected all my responsibilities to this blog for 11 days. So, without further delay, I give you: Duke Yuki, Churchill & the Earl of Zin - all born in August of 2012.
DUKE YUKI: Duke Yuki lost his eye in a fencing match against an escaped chimpanzee from the circus. It was never meant to be a battle of sorts but, you know how excitable chimpanzees can get. After a minute of horsing around, Duke Yuki was dodging thrusts and running for his life. He made the mistake of turning to see how far the chimp was behind him and BAM! No more eye. No more hanging with escaped chimpanzees either.
CHURCHILL & the EARL OF ZIN: Though Churchill and Zin will deny it, I have it on good authority that they were the ones egging on the chimpanzee and encouraging the above battle. This is a concern as these two have been mixed up in other kerfuffle's and pegged as instigators. Hmmmmm.... Perhaps it's time to put in some hidden cameras for when I'm away. Of course, this could backfire as there are some things one should never see in their lifetime and these Sock Critters can be rather entertaining...Maybe I'll skip the video surveillance and just threaten them with duct tape and "chew toy" options.

DENZEL, BUNBURY & COLLETTE

DENZEL: Born - August 2012.  Denzel just happens to walk rather softly and carry a big gun. Most of the other sock monkeys are afraid of him and keep their distance. Actually, the Sock Monkey Council is trying to figure out a way to get a permanent bell put on Denzel so they can hear him everytime he walks in the room. However, as everyone is afraid of his big gun, no one has volunteered to "bell the monkey". Personally, I think they're being over sensitive and Denzel is actually a sweet, kind and - HOLY CRAP DENZEL!! Stop sneaking up on me and point that damn gun elsewhere!!! I gotta get me a bell.....

BUNBURY: Born - August 2012. Bunbury. Where in the heck I came up with that name I'll never figure out. Sometimes I look at the sock before it's a monkey and name it, sometimes I don't name it until it's finished. Bunbury came to me in a moment of daydreaming about the alien invasion that will happen on December 21st - they will attack with freshly baked buns. And there it was, "Bunbury".

COLLETTE: Born - August 2012. Collette works in collections. She's the one on the other end of the phone threatening you if you don't start paying your bills. Folks, I would take her seriously. She and Denzel go way back and we all know he carries a big gun. The last thing you need is some silent sock monkey sneaking in your house with a gun...

Author's note: I really don't think aliens are going to invade with freshly baked buns, it's more likely they'll attack with eggplant. Hurts more when you get hit by one. AND, Denzel's gun is actually a super soaker from walmart, I'd NEVER let my sockmonkey's near real weapons of mass destruction...honest, I wouldn't.

GREG

GREG: Born - August 2012. This is Greg. Greg plays guitar and rather well I might say. Sometimes Greg wakes up with all his clothes on. This is not a bad thing as most musicians would wake up naked and in someone else's house. Greg is tall. Greg wears glasses. Greg has a great smile. Greg hosts awesome jams. Greg fit in with our band. Greg molded well into our groove. Greg is leaving. We hate Greg. 

Author's note: We do NOT hate Greg. We LOVE Greg and are sad to see him go. This was simply my alter-ego having a moment. "He who shall not be named" will be greatly missed. I am not bitter...

IVAN, AUDREY & KEATON

IVAN: Born - August 2012. Ivan is known as "Ivan the Terrible" in the Sock Monkey circles. Not because he's terrible in a mean sort of way but, because he's terrible at remembering names. You can introduce yourself or a friend to him and within a minute he has forgotten your name and calls you something like "hey, you....whatsitsnuts" or "dude with the hair" or "really tall person". It's so bad sometimes that he forgets to call his mom "mom"....

AUDREY: Born - August 2012. Audrey had a recent nose job and complains bitterly about the new nose. We offered to break her new one for her and let her start again but she hasn't accepted that...yet. I think we might just do it anyway - we're all tired of hearing how the surgeon "butchered" her old nose. Time to do some butchering of our own.

KEATON: Born - August 2012. Keaton recently stepped on a spider and was so worried he would make it rain that he walked around with an umbrella everywhere he went for two weeks. It was kind of sad. You know those cartoons where the character walks around with a constant cloud over his head? Well, that's what it was like - except without the cloud. Keaton avoids all tiny creatures now and lives hanging on to his umbrella at all times.

OOPS! I MISSED A TRIO...

My bad. These three sock monkeys were created in July and I'm just a little disappointed in myself for being forgetful and not posting their bios on time. I will try and do them justice and write only good things about them...Okay, not an easy task I know BUT, I shall persevere!

MAYBELLE: Born - July 2012. Maybelle used to live on a goat farm and would milk the goats in order to make her favourite goat cheese which she would spread on her banana split every morning before the sun came up. This went on for a few months before the owner realized Maybelle was eating most of his profits and had to fire her. Maybelle went to rehab for awhile to control her goat cheese addiction and seems to have her cravings under control. I am a little concerned though as my Goats Milk Soap seems to be disappearing at a fast pace. Hmmmmmm....

ELLIS: Born - July 2012. Ellis went a little crazy yesterday and I had to restrain him in a tube sock for an hour before he calmed down. Seems the other Sock monkeys have been teasing him with the "Name Game" song - come on, you know the one. "Ellis, Ellis Bo Bellis, banana mana bo bellis, fee fi mo mellis....Ellis." This of course is cute the first time but after an hour of it sung outta tune by sock monkeys, well, you can see how someone might lose it. Ellis is okay now though, I bought him ear plugs.

BEVERLY: Born - July 2012. Beverly, my sweet Sock Monkey Beverly. At least I thought she was a sweet sock monkey until I took her to the bar on Friday. Not only did she consume way too many banana tequila shots BUT, she proceeded to yell at the band "YOU SUCK" at the top of her lungs, passed out on her chair every time the Bouncer walked by and dirty danced with a random young man who I swear will never forget this evening as long as he lives. Just goes to show that you can dress up your Beverly's but you can't take them out....

Author's note: I love my two Beverly's and would take them out anytime! That's right girl's - I got your back! No one's gonna boot us out - at least not this week....

HOLDYN & GEORGIE

HOLDYN: Born - August 2012. Holdyn (believe it or not) is a master at camouflage. This little guy can blend into any of his surroundings and not be noticed. This of course plays havoc in the Sock Monkey kingdom known as my craft room as he also has the bad habit of jumping out and scaring the crap outta me! His camouflage skills do come in handy though when you need certain information that you can't get through normal channels. Holdyn will hire himself out for a few bananas and a tail rub. Just putting it out there...

GEORGIE: Born - August 2012. Georgie lives with me and sits in my window sill overlooking the craft room. I knew one day I'd come across a pair of socks that would stand out and  be the "ones" that would become MY sock monkey. This is her, "Georgie". She is wonderful and I will keep her for all time. That's all there is to say about Georgie. 

CHARLOTTE, LINK, FI-FI & RINGO

CHARLOTTE & LINK: Born - August 2012.  These happen to be two of my favourite little sock monkeys. Firstly, they never talk back. Secondly, they always do what they're asked without complaining. Thirdly, their little room is always neat and tidy, AND lastly, they NEVER have to be reminded to brush their teeth! Seriously folks, it's the little things in life that make a mother/sock monkey creator happy. Do I need to still be telling you to brush your teeth at 14 and 17 years old??? NO! It should be automatic! Come on, you've been brushing since you had a set of teeth by 18 months old!! Ooops.....I think I was rambling about my two sons and not Charlotte and Link. Still....brush your friggin' teeth.

FI-FI & RINGO: Born - August 2012. This happy couple just recently had their wedding vows re-done in a ceremony on the shores of the Great Slave Lake. It was a rather windy day and everytime Fi-Fi stood a certain way, her dress would shoot up from under her and you saw things that you just aren't supposed to see. As for Ringo, he would try to stand so the wind wouldn't cause an issue but, then his tie would whip around and smack him in the face. By the end of the evening, Fi-Fi's dress was just clear thrown off and Ringo's tie was used as a swing on the chandelier. I must say, that was the most entertaining renewal of vows I've ever been to.

HUXLEY, LENNIE & JAMES



HUXLEY: Born - August 2012. Today, Huxley went down the riverbank and collected a bouquet of Northern Fireweed, fixed it up beautifully in a vase, put it on my kitchen table with a note that read: "Sorry. Love Huxley".  First thing I did was check my cream status in the fridge as Huxley has a whipping cream addiction. Sure enough, it was all gone. He and I continually fight over the cream as I LOVE it in my coffee - without it, my day can NOT be started. He knows this and when I forget to hide it or lock the fridge at night, I'm screwed.  Huxley is hiding right now but I WILL find him...
LENNIE: Born - August 2012. I think Lennie will one day be a fantastic Narc as he seems to always crack under pressure or if you offer him a free banana split. It didn't take long for me to find out where Huxley was hiding once I started questioning Lennie. You can tell when he's about to give in too, his whole demeanor changes and he slumps and starts rambling about torture (not anything I would ever do to my monkeys...). At this point it's fairly easy to extract information from him. Man, this Sock Monkey knows a lot of crap! I should write a book...
JAMES: Born - August 2012. James would like to one day be a chauffeur. He happened to watch an old movie where a beautiful woman got into a car and said "Home James". Ever since that moment, James has been on a mission to get a drivers license, fancy car and beautiful woman that will say "Home James" every time she climbs in. Well, I guess there have been weirder goals in one's life. Aim high James!

NAUGHTY MONKEYS...

LEWIS, SUSSEX & HAMPTON

MR. TOTO & PAX

So, why the two photos and no separate bios? Well, just relax and I will tell you why. I just woke up and happened to look outside my window and what did I see??? My '69 Chev pick-up parked at an odd angle, covered in muck and a flat tire on the passenger side. As I looked it over to inspect what else could be wrong, the strong odor of bananas was throughout the cab and upon further investigation, an empty bottle of banana tequila was found under the seat. 

Now I'm not one to assume things so I took the bottle and entered my room where my Sock monkeys live and stood there looking at each one with a rather stern look. It didn't take long for Lewis to crack under my glare and the whole story was soon revealed. 

Seems Mr. Toto got into the tequila and decided they needed more. How do you get more? Well, you drive to the local Sock Monkey bootlegger and buy more. Sussex, Hampton and Pax were also well on their way to having too many and thought it was a marvelous idea. Lewis was freaking and tried to talk them out of it but to no avail. So, Lewis drove (as he was the only semi-sober monkey), Pax navigated (Lord help us), Sussex and Hampton dealt with the gas pedal and brakes (it all makes sense now) while Mt. Toto climbed on top of the cab and did the PeeWee Herman "Tequila" dance while flippin' off everyone they drove past.

Now, how these five Sock monkeys made it there and back without seriously harming someone or themselves AND didn't get stopped by the cops, is a bloody miracle. I'm sure someone out there must have seen the whole sad mess unfold and probably has it posted on You Tube (guess I'm surfing the Web today). In the meantime, these five are cleaning my truck from top to bottom and will be locked in the closet at night. Little bastards...  

DIXIE, WAVERLY & PEARL

DIXIE: Born - July 2012. Dixie likes to think she's a Sock Monkey pixie. What this entails we're not quite sure BUT, she does own a pouch which houses her "pixie dust". Every now and then, Dixie will take a small pinch of her pixie dust and snort it - OOPS! I mean blow it - yeah, that's what I meant. It dances in the air all glittery like and everyone around her gets happy. No snorting going on with this sock monkey, only happiness...

WAVERLY: Born - July 2012. Waverly once got ahold of Dixie's dust and decided to blow it at his pet armadillo Mr. Tibbs. Well, that was a day I'll never forget - nor will half the people in town. Mr. Tibbs got VERY happy and proceeded to get naked and run through the local grocery store singing at the top of his lungs "I'm Too Sexy for my Shell". Have you ever seen a naked armadillo?! Not a pretty sight. Waverly is still paying for my therapy...

PEARL: Born - July 2012. Pearl is currently investigating Dixie and her "dust". So far she has discovered the dust is made from the powder of dried mushrooms with a healthy dose of glitter. Dixie insists she harvests the mushrooms herself and they are just your average side-of-the-road fungus and not some "magic mushroom". Not too many Sock Monkeys believe her though and Pearl sure seems anxious to help Dixie harvest them. Hmmmmm.....



CHARLES & NATHAN

CHARLES: Born - July 2012. Charles likes to take thumbtacks and press them into the soles of peoples shoes while they're not looking. Most of the time no one notices that there's a tack in their shoe until they happen to throw it off in a hurry and it lands upside down. As you remove it, Charles laughs sadistically to himself and makes a plan for the next "tack attack". You are a sick little sock monkey Charles.
NATHAN: Born - July 2012. Nathan was created with a small flaw in his tail. You don't notice it until he becomes angry but, he can shoot dried navy beans from his tail. Not kidding. AND, if you've ever been zinged with a dried navy bean, it stinkin' hurts! I've decided to take my bee-bee gun out of retirement and use it on him if I have to. Fight fire with fire... or in this case, beans with bee-bees. I'm watching you Nathan. 

JACQUE & HENRY

JACQUE & HENRY: Born - June 2012. These two cousins are most definitely from the Sock Monster family and are currently seeking female companionship of Sock Monster orientation. Actually, they're really not that picky - you could be a really cute Sock Monkey and they'd be happy to take you out and get to know you. Truthfully, you could just be an old pair of socks left on the side of the road somewhere and they'd still be happy to hang out with you...

Seriously though, all they want is someone who appreciates their fine looks and monsterly physique. Someone who will hug them and squeeze them and NOT call them George. You can answer their ad in the local paper this week and by next month, you could be well on your way to the most amazing relationship of your life! Come on - who can resist these guys?? 

Author's note: If you did not get the whole "hug them and squeeze them and call them George" reference, then you did not watch enough Bugs Bunny as a child. 

McDEE, McBEE, McKAY, McJAY

McDEE, McBEE, McKAY, McJAY: Born - June 2012. There they are folks. The members of the Sock Monkey Rock Group called "Bush Pickle". It is a rare opportunity to actually sit down with these rockers and chat since they're so busy playing the circuit and promoting their new album called "Salty Muff" which of course features their hit single "McKAY and the Goat". With a whirlwind tour on their hands it's a wonder any song writing gets done. However, these clever monkeys can bang out song after song without any trouble. A few songs to check out on their new album: "Drummer Veto" or "The Bass Players Cut Off" and you're gonna love the blusie undertones to "Mastering the LOOK" which features a two minute solo from guest guitarist McGEE (not pictured above due to intoxication). 
When these rockers aren't on the road, they are at home thinking about being on the road. Come on! Road trips with a band? That beats jobs, family, responsibility and stability any day. Keep on rockin! 

REUBEN, HENRIETTA & TWAIN

REUBEN: Born - June 2012. Reuben likes to wander the streets at 12 noon, wearing a sandwich board that reads "DON'T DRINK & DRIVE, YOU'LL ONLY SPILL IT". Usually, he has a banana daiquiri in his hand at this time and is stumbling aimlessly down the street. By 12:17 pm he's uttered obscenities at the general public and flashed a few high school students. By 12:31 pm he's running from the cops. By 12:42 pm I usually have the cops in my yard handing over Reuben and asking me to keep a leash on him. By 1:00 pm he's passed out and I am writing apologies to the local businesses, student body, cops and pretty much all community members. By midnight I am done with the phone calls, threats of lawsuits and have had my house egged twice. I've come to the conclusion that Reuben must go. Soon.

HENRIETTA: Born - June 2012. Henrietta feeds Reuben the daiquiri's and also writes the slogans for his sandwich boards. I once caught her sending him off with one the read "2012 - LET'S NOT F**K IT UP" or last month it was "IF BARBIE'S NOT A SLUT, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER BOYFRIENDS?". That one actually made it out of the house and you wouldn't believe the hate mail I got from mothers everywhere!! I have decided that Henrietta must also go.

TWAIN: Born - June 2012. Twain just laughs at me and says "You created them - what did you expect?" Twain has now made the "to go" list...