Monday, June 18, 2012


REUBEN: Born - June 2012. Reuben likes to wander the streets at 12 noon, wearing a sandwich board that reads "DON'T DRINK & DRIVE, YOU'LL ONLY SPILL IT". Usually, he has a banana daiquiri in his hand at this time and is stumbling aimlessly down the street. By 12:17 pm he's uttered obscenities at the general public and flashed a few high school students. By 12:31 pm he's running from the cops. By 12:42 pm I usually have the cops in my yard handing over Reuben and asking me to keep a leash on him. By 1:00 pm he's passed out and I am writing apologies to the local businesses, student body, cops and pretty much all community members. By midnight I am done with the phone calls, threats of lawsuits and have had my house egged twice. I've come to the conclusion that Reuben must go. Soon.
HENRIETTA: Born - June 2012. Henrietta feeds Reuben the daiquiri's and also writes the slogans for his sandwich boards. I once caught her sending him off with one the read "2012 - LET'S NOT F**K IT UP" or last month it was "IF BARBIE'S NOT A SLUT, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER BOYFRIENDS?". That one actually made it out of the house and you wouldn't believe the hate mail I got from mothers everywhere!! I have decided that Henrietta must also go.
TWAIN: Born - June 2012. Twain just laughs at me and says "You created them - what did you expect?" Twain has now made the "to go" list...

1 comment:

  1. I am hearing some jealousy in your blog! You shouldn't just because these three don't have inhibitions:)
    Let it go! Be free!