FRANKLIN, PAT & CELESTE

FRANKLIN: Born - March 16th. Franklin LOVES the children's book series and TV program "Franklin". You know, the one about Franklin the turtle who lives in a house and goes to school with his friends "Bear, Rabbit & Beaver". So here's Franklin's question to me today, "Why are all the animals named after their species except for Franklin? Why isn't he named 'Turtle'?" Good question Franklin. Why isn't he named Turtle? Is this some sort of mind game the author is playing with little kids? Does the author have something against turtles? Are all the bears called 'Bear'? Who writes this stuff?
PAT: Born - March 17th. Pat - NOT short for Patrick or Patricia, just Pat. Born on St. Patricks day, does not mean you have to be a fan of green beer and kissing the Blarney Stone (although, I'm told if you give Pat enough beer he'll kiss any stone you put in front of him). And Leprechauns? Four leaf clovers? What's that all about? No, Pat does not have time for St. Patrick's day malarkey. He does have time for a mean game of Patty-cake though and will more than likely smoke you at it...
CELESTE: Born - March 18th. Celeste lost all her money in a game of Parcheesi against her best friend Luna. It was a long time ago and the one-time best friends have never spoken to each other again. Celeste feels Luna cheated when she sent her 3rd pawn back to home base seventeen times.  Seriously,  seventeen? I think Luna cheated too... Celeste doesn't play board games anymore and just a tip, don't mention Parcheesi around Celeste. We still haven't got the cement galoshes off the last sock monkey who did.

Author's note: If the author of "Franklin" happens to read this, it wasn't me asking the questions and I don't think you can take a Sock Monkey to court... Also, I have absolutely nothing against St. Patricks Day. Pat does.

BUNNI, AVA & CHOPIN

BUNNI: Born - March 13th. Bunni's favourite color is purple. You'd never know it but her house is purple, her car is purple, her high heels are purple, even her stuffing is purple. Of course Bunni is pink and this confuses people when she goes on about the color purple. Most of them tend to walk away after the first half hour but if you stick it out, you'll find Bunni very persuasive and in the end, you're favourite color will be purple too.
AVA: Born - March 14th. Ava is one of the softest Sock Monkeys around and prides herself on the ability to soothe anyone who touches her. As a matter of fact, while visiting the psychiatric ward at the local hospital, Ava was able to calm 90% of the craziest sock monkeys around. The other 10% went a little nuts when they touched her and tried to tear her apart, bit all the orderlies and ran amuck until the Doctors could round them up using electric shock waves. Ava was asked not to visit the psychiatric ward again...
CHOPIN: Born - March 15th. Chopin used to write piano concertos for the Royal Ballet in London and would sit in the Queens box with her Royal Highness. He was paid unbelievable amounts of money for his music and was loved and respected in the high society of London. Chopin decided he had enough and started to write pop songs for groups like Wham, Rockapella and Uh-Huh (just to name a few). Chopin was never given credit for their songs and ended up broke and selling  copies of "Piano for Dummies" from the back of his pick-up truck. Why he has never gone back to Concertos for the Ballet is a mystery to us all....

Author's note: Chopin is a pair of socks my wonderful friend Bev found and handed over to me. They are piano keys and I debated on cutting them up for a monkey or just wearing them around because they're cool.  The monkey won (as you can see) and Chopin came to be. Thanks Bev!

BAXTER, PETRA & NANCY

BAXTER: Born - March 10th. Baxter got caught in a snow storm when he was quite young and froze the tip of his tail. Everytime he goes out in the cold, his tail twitches and sends him into fits of giggles. Not such a bad thing, unless you are caught completely unawares and out of the blue some Sock Monkey starts jumping around giggling like a lunatic. If you have a weak heart, avoid Baxter at all costs...
PETRA: Born - March 11th. Petra used to race cardboard boxes at the "Annual Box Racing Festival" in Blueball, Pasadena. Her last race ended badly as she crashed into 4 other competitors on a downhill turn. Nobody was seriously hurt but it was apparent Petra had been drinking and driving. When the debris was sorted through and a bottle of Banana Schnapps was found in her still intact glove box, Petra was suspended from racing cardboard boxes ever again. Poor Petra....
NANCY: Born - March 12th. Nancy is another sweet and mild mannered Sock Monkey (you don't hear of them too often). She works as a Story Teller for the local Sock Monkey Library and spins tales to Sock Monkeys of all ages. Her favorite story is "Jack and the Dryer Monster" in which her hero must battle the evil Dryer Monster that eats socks and leaves humans baffled as to where their other sock went when they both went in to the dryer together. Interestingly, there is no conclusion to this tale as Jack never finds the Dryer Monster to slay and humans are still baffled...

LEOPOLD, ENRIQUE & BROOKLYN

LEOPOLD: Born - March 7th. Leopold is a world renowned Orchestra Conductor and has decided to try his hand at writing symphonies. His first attempt is an Opera about an Orchestra conductor who falls in love with a Kettle Drum player.  Unfortunately, as most Operas, the ending is quite sad when the Conductor loses control of his baton and it whips across the Orchestra and takes out the Kettle Drummers left eye. Thus ending any chance of a love match...
ENRIQUE: Born - March 8th. Enrique is a Spanish speaking Sock Monkey who rambles on in his language about the "Spanish Inquisition". He insists that his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather's best friend's Uncle's duck, was slaughtered to feed some of the  Monarchy involved in the confiscation of his property. Enrique was told that the duck put up quite a fight before his untimely demise.To this day, Enrique won't eat anything that goes "quack".
BROOKLYN: Born - March 9th. Brooklyn is a young teenager Sock Monkey whom loves her parents, respects them, never argues, always does what she'd told, works hard at school, never complains or makes demands, helps with chores, keeps her room tidy and organized and in general, has a cheerful and sweet disposition that everyone loves. No flaws in this one!

Author's note: I think I was stoned on T3's when I wrote Brooklyn's bio. I was hallucinating and had possibly gone beyond the realms of reality - which of course, in my life, is not a hard thing to do....

PHILLIP, BEBE & MING

PHILLIP: Born - March 4th. Phillip is the monkey behind the adjustable spray nozzle on your Windex bottles. Before he came around, every time you sprayed the bottle, the cleaning solution would go everywhere (except where you needed it to go). Now however, with Phillips brilliant invention, you can set it to "jet" or "shower" even "massage" if you wanted. These are important things people and we should applaud the spray nozzle inventor. You rock Phillip!!
BEBE: Born - March 5th. Bebe is yet another small sock monkey donated and named by Kate - my soon to be sister-in-law. I think she takes pleasure in finding small socks for me....Bebe is so cute though how can I complain? She is all cuddled up to Ming in the above picture and loves snuggling with everyone. Seriously! One morning I rolled over in bed and damn near smothered her! How she got up the stairs and into my bed, I'll never know...
MING: Born - March 6th. Ming hails from "Humptulips, Wash." and used to work as a rodeo clown. It wasn't her first choice for work but when you're starving, you'll pretty much do anything for your next banana shake. Ming actually enjoyed the rodeo life and still insists on wearing her old clown outfit now and then. Wearing it to Bridge night at the Old Sock Monkey Home wasn't the wisest thing though. Caused alot of panic attacks among the elderly...folks rocking in the fetal position... Guess clowns aren't overly appreciated.

Author's note: I appreciate clowns. They aren't as creepy as those marionettes. Those are just plain freaky. Kinda cool to watch someone manipulate them and work them in a play, BUT, seriously, they are what nightmares are made of....scary stuff.

STRIPES MAGEE, SEYMOUR & HOWIE

STRIPES MAGEE: Born - March 1st. Stripes Magee hails from Sherwood Park, Alberta where he plays the bag pipes in the local punk rock group "Orange Peel in the Ditch". No, he doesn't wear a kilt on stage. The last time he did, some crazed sock monkey jumped on stage and tore it to shreds. Not a great moment for Stripes as everyone knows bagpipe players wear nothing under their kilts....
SEYMOUR: Born - March 2nd. Seymour once tried his hand at stand up comedy at the local club "The Monkey Tail". It went well unitl he broke into knock-knock jokes. His favourite being "Knock, Knock" "Who's there?" "Seymour" "Seymour who?" "Seymour of me naked!!" at which point he would strip down to his ginch and do the Sock Monkey happy dance on stage. Seymours career as a comedian was short lived.
HOWIE:  Born - March 3rd. Howie lost his tail in the "Great Sock Monkey Massacre of '82". He was on the tailless Sock Monkey Committee for the longest time until he had ground breaking surgery for tail replacement. This was the first of it's kind and involved a slightly crazy lady, a needle, some stuffing, thread and a pair of scissors. After a brief recovery period, Howie was back to himself and swinging from chandeliers - I mean tree branches, in no time.

BARKLEY THE BRAVE!

BARKLEY - NOT a sock monkey. Barkley is from the "sockmonstobia familia" which is Sock Monkey Latin for Sock Monster. Barkley is made from mis-matched socks and wears a T-shirt as he's shy around females and doesn't like to expose his monsterly chest. He lost his eye in a Kayaking accident - one should never be gaming while trying to maneuver a kayak through a set of rapids... As he only has the use of one eye now, his drivers license was revoked and Barkley can no longer participate in the annual "Sock Monster Truck Rodeo". So much for winning the gold 3 years in a row. He also lost out in the "Can Label Reading" contest this year, damn near broke him...

Does Barkley get depressed over his misfortune though? NO! Barkley just moves on to new adventures and possibilities. As a matter of fact, I just helped him submit an application to "Hand Gliding Mt. Everest". Look for him on TSN this spring - maybe he'll make it on the blooper wheel...

Author's note: I meant it in the kindest way about the blooper wheel..... seriously Barkley, I think you can do pretty much anything you put your eye to...OOPS! I mean MIND to...