HOTCH: Born - December 20th. Hotch has dreamy purple eyes and the moment you gaze into them, you're hooked. You will do just about anything to make him smile at you and believe me, he's not picky about what you do...Okay, that did NOT sound good. I meant that in the absolute "cleanest" way possible. For example, rub his feet, peel a banana for him, open doors, pay for dinner - c'mon people, this is a G-rated site!
MOORE: Born - December 21st. Hmmmmm....Moore.... Apparently, Moore is a little more demanding about what you can do for him once you gaze into his dreamy green eyes. And fussy? Yes. He has particular demands. One is to swing naked from the - WHOA!! Sorry!! Wrong demand! Keep it G-rated Jess - Yikes!! Okay one is to have you sing "The Owl and the Pussy Cat" while he washes the toe jam out from between his toes. There. How clean is that? Okay, more twisted than clean but hey, just trying to keep the public happy.
Author's note: Seriously, you know I'm just messing with you right? None of the above is true, just made up...
RUTHIE: Born - December 17th. Ruthie is very excited for the holidays this year as she is travelling all the way to Mexico for a family vacation. Of course no one has mentioned to her how she's travelling yet and it ain't first class! Ruthie will be shoved in a kids backpack among other toys, rotting snacks, crayons, change of undies and my personal favourite, sticky candy. She probably won't get a lot of fresh air time as she'll be passed up for the DS when the child opens it's bag to grab something. HOWEVER, let's not burst Ruthie's bubble. She's going to Mexico and probably doesn't care how she arrives there - even with sticky candy stuck to her tail....
HANZ: Born - December 18th. Hanz doesn't look like he's some kind of crazy muscle freak BUT, if you tick him off, he can pump up to about 250lbs and snap you in half if necessary. Let's not send Hanz with Ruthie....
LUCIEN: Born - December 19th. Lucien has had 4 wives and is now courting another who we think will be the 5th by New Years Day. It's not that he's a creep or anything like that, he just likes to spread his love around. All his break-ups have been amicable and he supports any offspring with regular payments of bananas. Really, Lucien is a lover, not a fighter and wants everyone to be happy and in love all the time. Great philosophy - too bad it doesn't work well in the human world....
PRANCER: Born - December 14th. Prancer is a "Tailoptimist" and has his own practice in the jungle under the shade of a banana tree. What is a "tailoptimist" you may ask? Someone who specializes in tails of course! Prancer is the top Sock Monkey in his field and can reconstruct a tail in less time than it takes you to count the seeds in a watermelon. If you ever have a problem with your tail, Prancer is your monkey!
VIXEN: Born - December 15th. So here are two definitions to the word vixen: a female fox OR a woman regarded as quarrelsome, shrewish or malicious. Now does that definition look like it would suit Vixen? Firstly, he's not a female anything, he's a guy Sock Monkey. Secondly, look how friendly and sweet he looks in his picture - there's not a "shrewish or malicious" bone in his body. Who the hell named him Vixen anyway? Oh yeah...that was me...
NOEL: Born - December 16th. Noel is born on the same day my mother happens to celebrate her birthday. That sucks for Noel as today has to be all about my mother NOT Noel the Sock Monkey. Actually, I felt kinda bad for Noel, he thought the cake in the kitchen was for him and "Happy Birthday Mum" written on it was just to throw him off and make him think he wasn't getting a cake. Wasn't fun having to tell him the cake really was for my mother and he really wasn't getting any. Didn't know Sock Monkey's could cry...
Author's note: Don't get all snooty with me people, he'll get his cake tomorrow....
DASHER: Born - December 11th. Dasher is quite dashing - a fine specimen of a young Sock Monkey, all the ladies adore him. Why he's so dashing that (this is where you say "how dashing is he?") - he's so dashing that when Sock Monkey girls walk by they... they...ummmmm....okay, I'm no good at these dumb jokes, YOU fill in the blank!
BLITZEN: Born - December 12th. Blitzen had a huge zit on the end of his nose and was therefore bypassed the night they chose Rudolph. Bastards...
DONNER: Born - December 13th. Donner was almost a gonner when he met Jen O'Conner but he didn't wanner (on my honour) so she dated an Afrikaner who has a medal of honor and tried to off Donner. Say that five times really fast!
Author's note: Freakin' reindeer - they're nuts! AND, there is such a word as "Afrikaner", look it up.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Born - December 8th. Peppermint Patty was named for the pattern on her socks, NOT for the Charlie Brown character we all love. Although I could have used another name like Peppermint Paul or Peppermint Pete or even Peppermint Penelope, it just didn't "flow" as well as Peppermint Patty - so I used it. Please don't report me to the Charles. M. Schultz Society - being sued just before Christmas is never fun...
GINGY: Born - December 9th. Gingy has gingerbread men all over his body - again he was named for the pattern on his socks NOT for the gingerbread character in Shrek that we all love to smithereens. I could have called him Gingy George or Gingy Brown or even plain ole' Ginger but my son Elliot insisted on the name Gingy. So, Dreamworks, sue Elliot, not me.
CANDY CANE: Born - December 10th. And yet again, another Sock Monkey named for the pattern on their socks. This time though, I can't think of any beloved cartoon character he's named after that I might get sued over. In any case, sue Elliot....
Author's note: I love my son Elliot. Please don't sue him, I promise I will punish him instead.... How about a whooping with an over stuffed Sock Monkey? Crap! Then the Sock Monkey's will come after me for abuse! Okay, just sue Elliot...
LYDA: Born - December 4th. Lyda drives a scooter to and from town everyday. It doesn't matter that right now it's 32 below and snow is covering the ground. Lyda will throw on her Helly Hansen gear, a fur hat, double lined muk-luks and jump on the scooter for a quick ride to town. It actually keeps her quite warm but the scooter is another story. Not built for cold weather it inevitably breaks down and you can see Lyda walking her scooter home...everyday...
IRVING: Born - December 5th. Irving recently graduated from high school and is now enrolled in a course to become a "Cereal Box Author". He will write all the little ads, nutritional boxes and puzzles you see on some of the cereals out there today. I am trying to convince him to write in small print stuff like "this brain numbing crap will also leave you impotent and riddled with cancer". So far I haven't found that on any boxes....but I'm hopeful.
ELLSWORTH: Born - December 6th. Ellsworth. Strong name. BUT, what is he really worth? His weight in gold? Who names their Sock Monkey something like that and doesn't put a "worth" to him? Someone should set that person straight. Where does this person come up with the names? Who is this person? I must get to the bottom of this...
STEED: Born - December 7th. Steed doesn't live here anymore. He was bought by some Neanderthal and given to his children to tear apart at Christmas. Sad end to a Sock Monkey. Poor Steed...
Author's note: Okay, okay, I AM the person who names these monkeys - sometimes badly. The above batch I actually opened the phone book and snitched a bunch of last names. Pretty crafty hey? Oh yeah, Steed wasn't really bought by a Neanderthal silly, they don't celebrate Christmas! HOWEVER, who knows what kids do with their toys, they can be a little rough. Poor Steed...
OSCAR: Born - December 1st. Oscar lives in a garbage can on Sesame Street and is grumpy all the -- WAIT! Wrong Oscar! Oscar the Sock Monkey lives beside a garbage can in an old cardboard box on Poppy Street and is happy all the time. Yup, happy ole Oscar. Gets rather annoying though - especially when you just want to be alone and Oscar jumps out of his box and starts singing "If You're Happy and You Know It" while doing the Sock Monkey "Happy Dance"... not good when you're sporting a hangover either...just saying.
ARBEAU: Born - December 2nd. Arbeau has a special talent she would like to share on Ellen one day. She can stand on her head, drink a banana shake, recite the Ten Commandments, chew gum, while propping a stack of dishes on her tail all at the SAME TIME!! It's pretty cool to watch - especially when you spike the banana shake and feed her a few before she attempts her act. Now that's entertainment!
ODIN: Born - December 3rd. Odin is named after a Norse God who's role was complex. He was associated with war, battle, victory and death BUT also, wisdom, magic, poetry and prophecy. Talk about confusing the heck out of someone! Maybe that's why Odin the Sock Monkey has had 14 different careers in his short life so far. Maybe that's also why his favourite job so far is a beer taster - after a few, it takes the confusion away...
Author's note: I just realized that all three of these bios have something to do with drinking. I would like to make it clear that I don't encourage drinking among my Sock Monkeys - a drunk Sock Monkey is not fun to be around. I DO encourage having fun and hey, if I've had one too many coffee and Bailey's first thing in the morning when I'm writing a bio, well, lucky for you!!
