NAUGHTY MONKEYS...

LEWIS, SUSSEX & HAMPTON

MR. TOTO & PAX

So, why the two photos and no separate bios? Well, just relax and I will tell you why. I just woke up and happened to look outside my window and what did I see??? My '69 Chev pick-up parked at an odd angle, covered in muck and a flat tire on the passenger side. As I looked it over to inspect what else could be wrong, the strong odor of bananas was throughout the cab and upon further investigation, an empty bottle of banana tequila was found under the seat. 

Now I'm not one to assume things so I took the bottle and entered my room where my Sock monkeys live and stood there looking at each one with a rather stern look. It didn't take long for Lewis to crack under my glare and the whole story was soon revealed. 

Seems Mr. Toto got into the tequila and decided they needed more. How do you get more? Well, you drive to the local Sock Monkey bootlegger and buy more. Sussex, Hampton and Pax were also well on their way to having too many and thought it was a marvelous idea. Lewis was freaking and tried to talk them out of it but to no avail. So, Lewis drove (as he was the only semi-sober monkey), Pax navigated (Lord help us), Sussex and Hampton dealt with the gas pedal and brakes (it all makes sense now) while Mt. Toto climbed on top of the cab and did the PeeWee Herman "Tequila" dance while flippin' off everyone they drove past.

Now, how these five Sock monkeys made it there and back without seriously harming someone or themselves AND didn't get stopped by the cops, is a bloody miracle. I'm sure someone out there must have seen the whole sad mess unfold and probably has it posted on You Tube (guess I'm surfing the Web today). In the meantime, these five are cleaning my truck from top to bottom and will be locked in the closet at night. Little bastards...  

DIXIE, WAVERLY & PEARL

DIXIE: Born - July 2012. Dixie likes to think she's a Sock Monkey pixie. What this entails we're not quite sure BUT, she does own a pouch which houses her "pixie dust". Every now and then, Dixie will take a small pinch of her pixie dust and snort it - OOPS! I mean blow it - yeah, that's what I meant. It dances in the air all glittery like and everyone around her gets happy. No snorting going on with this sock monkey, only happiness...

WAVERLY: Born - July 2012. Waverly once got ahold of Dixie's dust and decided to blow it at his pet armadillo Mr. Tibbs. Well, that was a day I'll never forget - nor will half the people in town. Mr. Tibbs got VERY happy and proceeded to get naked and run through the local grocery store singing at the top of his lungs "I'm Too Sexy for my Shell". Have you ever seen a naked armadillo?! Not a pretty sight. Waverly is still paying for my therapy...

PEARL: Born - July 2012. Pearl is currently investigating Dixie and her "dust". So far she has discovered the dust is made from the powder of dried mushrooms with a healthy dose of glitter. Dixie insists she harvests the mushrooms herself and they are just your average side-of-the-road fungus and not some "magic mushroom". Not too many Sock Monkeys believe her though and Pearl sure seems anxious to help Dixie harvest them. Hmmmmm.....



CHARLES & NATHAN

CHARLES: Born - July 2012. Charles likes to take thumbtacks and press them into the soles of peoples shoes while they're not looking. Most of the time no one notices that there's a tack in their shoe until they happen to throw it off in a hurry and it lands upside down. As you remove it, Charles laughs sadistically to himself and makes a plan for the next "tack attack". You are a sick little sock monkey Charles.
NATHAN: Born - July 2012. Nathan was created with a small flaw in his tail. You don't notice it until he becomes angry but, he can shoot dried navy beans from his tail. Not kidding. AND, if you've ever been zinged with a dried navy bean, it stinkin' hurts! I've decided to take my bee-bee gun out of retirement and use it on him if I have to. Fight fire with fire... or in this case, beans with bee-bees. I'm watching you Nathan. 

JACQUE & HENRY

JACQUE & HENRY: Born - June 2012. These two cousins are most definitely from the Sock Monster family and are currently seeking female companionship of Sock Monster orientation. Actually, they're really not that picky - you could be a really cute Sock Monkey and they'd be happy to take you out and get to know you. Truthfully, you could just be an old pair of socks left on the side of the road somewhere and they'd still be happy to hang out with you...

Seriously though, all they want is someone who appreciates their fine looks and monsterly physique. Someone who will hug them and squeeze them and NOT call them George. You can answer their ad in the local paper this week and by next month, you could be well on your way to the most amazing relationship of your life! Come on - who can resist these guys?? 

Author's note: If you did not get the whole "hug them and squeeze them and call them George" reference, then you did not watch enough Bugs Bunny as a child. 

McDEE, McBEE, McKAY, McJAY

McDEE, McBEE, McKAY, McJAY: Born - June 2012. There they are folks. The members of the Sock Monkey Rock Group called "Bush Pickle". It is a rare opportunity to actually sit down with these rockers and chat since they're so busy playing the circuit and promoting their new album called "Salty Muff" which of course features their hit single "McKAY and the Goat". With a whirlwind tour on their hands it's a wonder any song writing gets done. However, these clever monkeys can bang out song after song without any trouble. A few songs to check out on their new album: "Drummer Veto" or "The Bass Players Cut Off" and you're gonna love the blusie undertones to "Mastering the LOOK" which features a two minute solo from guest guitarist McGEE (not pictured above due to intoxication). 
When these rockers aren't on the road, they are at home thinking about being on the road. Come on! Road trips with a band? That beats jobs, family, responsibility and stability any day. Keep on rockin! 

REUBEN, HENRIETTA & TWAIN

REUBEN: Born - June 2012. Reuben likes to wander the streets at 12 noon, wearing a sandwich board that reads "DON'T DRINK & DRIVE, YOU'LL ONLY SPILL IT". Usually, he has a banana daiquiri in his hand at this time and is stumbling aimlessly down the street. By 12:17 pm he's uttered obscenities at the general public and flashed a few high school students. By 12:31 pm he's running from the cops. By 12:42 pm I usually have the cops in my yard handing over Reuben and asking me to keep a leash on him. By 1:00 pm he's passed out and I am writing apologies to the local businesses, student body, cops and pretty much all community members. By midnight I am done with the phone calls, threats of lawsuits and have had my house egged twice. I've come to the conclusion that Reuben must go. Soon.

HENRIETTA: Born - June 2012. Henrietta feeds Reuben the daiquiri's and also writes the slogans for his sandwich boards. I once caught her sending him off with one the read "2012 - LET'S NOT F**K IT UP" or last month it was "IF BARBIE'S NOT A SLUT, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER BOYFRIENDS?". That one actually made it out of the house and you wouldn't believe the hate mail I got from mothers everywhere!! I have decided that Henrietta must also go.

TWAIN: Born - June 2012. Twain just laughs at me and says "You created them - what did you expect?" Twain has now made the "to go" list...

ETHAN & HOLLIE

ETHAN & HOLLIE: Born - June 2012. Look at these two lovebirds. Aren't they just so cute? Don't you just want to hug them both and tell them how darn sweet they are? They're just so blissfully unaware and only have eyes for each other. In their world, neither can do no wrong, there are no expectations and their love for each other is unconditional. Sigh.... Doesn't it make you want to puke? Someones gotta burst their happy bubble and give them the facts of love straight up. Actually, don't bother. Give them a few months - at tops a year - and they'll be on each others nerves, expectations will be high and the unconditional love will be nothing but unattainable demands. Isn't true love great? 

Author's note: I am not bitter.